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More than 15 years of CASA* research on teens and substance abuse finds that a child who gets through age 21 without smoking, using illegal drugs or abusing alcohol is virtually certain never to do so and that the greatest influence on teens is parents. Over those years, from thousands of emails, letters and calls from concerned parents like you, we've become convinced that you do not appreciate the power you have to raise healthy, drug free kids and how best to exercise that power. So we're writing a new book, Parent Power, to help you.
I WOULD REACH OUT FOR HELP FROM CERTAIN FAILY MEMBERS THAT THIS CHILD TRUST. TO HELP SOMEONE WITH AN ADDICTION IS TO FIND OUT WHY THEY FEEL SORRY FOR THEMSELVES AND WHAT MAY HAVE CAUSED THE DECISION TO DO SO. TREATING THE PERSON AS IF WE ALL HAVE ADDICTIONS AND PROBLEMS, THEY’RE IN DIFFERENT FORMS.
BUT FAMILY IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN A DOCTOR IN MY OPINION
we have gone to therapists, psychiatrists.Unfortunately my husband is in denial and thinks it’s a phase. Our son knows all the right things to say to say and after counceling and drug testing, he’s good until we let our guard down and then we are in same situation all over again and I am getting tired and just want hm to move out and receive” Tough love”
My 21-year-old son, who was a neuroscience major at USC, died from an accidental heroin overdose in 2003. I think it is great that you are writing a book for parents, as long as you make it clear that although there are many things they can do to help their child, untimately it is up to the child. Rita Lowenthal says it better than I ever could in the epilogue of her book, One Way Ticket: “Josh taught us how pain coexists with love and even happiness. We have experienced the depths of parental impotence and survived. We understand life and loss differently than before. Mostly, we accept the truth about parenting. There is too little we can do for you. We give you life, adore you, worry about you, support you, try to teach you our values, apologize for our failures, but sorry, dearest Josh, in the long run, we can’t protect you from yourself or the times and places in which you live.”
I do not mean to be pessimistic about this, or say that there is nothing that parents can do. Quite the contrary:
1. If you suspect that your child has a problem with drugs or alcohol, trust your instincts, even if your child tells you they are fine. The very nature of abuse and addiction causes them to tell you whatever they need to so that they can keep using. That doesn’t mean they are bad kids who lie, it means they are under the influence of the substance they are using.
2. Get help from a recommended drug abuse/addiction professional. They are trained in what to look for and know all the “tricks of the trade” and will not be manipulated or fooled by your child’s behavior.
3. Get help for yourself. And, if you can find one in your area, go to an Al-Anon meeting that is specifically for parents of children with alcohol and drug problems. This is not an easy subject to talk about with family and friends, but in the meetings you will find people who are dealing with the same issues you are and who you will feel safe talking to. You are not alone. You do not have to do this alone.
4. Probably the most important: ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO HAVE THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR BEHAVIOR, NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO RESCUE THEM OR HELP THEM. EXPERIENCING THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR BEHAVIOR IS THE ONLY WAY THEY WILL LEARN AND THE ONLY WAY THEY WILL UNDERSTAND THAT THEY MUST BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR DECISIONS AND CHOICES. This is not easy, but it is essential. Added to this is the importance of both parents being a united front, on the same page. Do not , I repeat do not say that you will do something that you will not be able to follow through with. Idle threats will destroy any credibility you might have and allow your child to further manipulate you.
5. Learn everything you can about alcoholism and drug abuse. However, when doing the research or attending Al-Anon meetings, it is important to remember to look for the similarities, not the differences. As parents, it is so easy to be in denial that our children have a problem. It is much easier to believe that this is a phase they will grow out of, that they are not in as much trouble as other kids. Sometimes this is true, but sometimes it isn’t. If you are not sure, take your child someplace reputable for an assessment and a drug test. Usually you can find a place in your area that offers this service for free or for a very nominal fee.
6. If you do need to send your child to an alcohol or drug program, please know that the important thing to look for is how good the program is. There are many different kinds of programs, and one is not necessarily better than the other. It is also a matter of what your child needs, if they are willing to comply, and what you can afford. Unfortuantely, you can find out more about a restaurant or a hotel than you can about a treatment center. Remember that their website is a marketing tool designed to get you to choose their facility. Know that the caliber of counselors and the design of the program is much more important than whether or not the facility has a pool or equine therapy. More expensive does not always mean better.
7. Above all, take care of yourself. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but its true. If you don’t take care of yourself, you will be no help to your child or to the rest of your family. This is not something that has a quick fix. It is not a sprint you are training for, but in many cases a marathon that requires you to pace yourself. Learn about boundaries, read books by Melody Beattie, go to Al-Anon and open AA meetings. Take a break. Do things that make you happy. Take it one day at a time, and be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can, with what you know. That is all you can do.
I have daughter who is involve in alcohol and drug. It has been three years. All that lies and manupilation has gone on extrems. I like to listen any suggestions. The main problem is she is using both world. Please give me suggestion.
The people whom I have found most helpful for teenage substance abusers have been specialized drug and alcohol counselors. These counselors are less likely to be swayed by an abusing teen’s charm and reassurances about how fine they are. Parental input about how things are going is also crucial (and sometimes, input from others who know the abuser well), so the counselor has more than just the abuser as the source of his/her information. There are some confidentiality issues, so parents need to understand that when they provide information to the counselor, they won’t necessarily receive much specific information back about therapy sessions with the abuser. However, they should and must be involved with the overall treatment plan, with regular family meetings.
Our son is 19 an in a recovery program again for alcohol. He began using in 9th grade. In response to a few of the comments, he did not feel sorry for himself but was instead self medicating for a mental illness that had not been diagnosed. The research and doctors that we have spoken to tell us time and again that when the teenager begins puberty the mental illness magnifies and they turn to drugs and alcohol to self medicate. Once they have gotten the “fix” they are hooked. What he has told us is that after he had the first drink he knew that he was hooked. It is difficult for teenagers that are addicts to then live in the teenage society where parties and drinking games are often the norm. The “friends” don’t understand addiction and need to also be educated. Yes, we did get help from clergy, therapists and other professionals. The help has helped my husband and I more so that we can see the issues and understand that we were enablers and that the illness belonged to the whole family. My son is now in the 2nd year of a recovery program and seems to be doing quite well. Don’t give up on them they are still young.
It’s important that I or We as the parents have been educated on addiction development and it’s progression. If I understand what happens that leads up to addiction, then I will be able to begin educating and teaching my child about the dangers and eventually about self-diagnosis. Prevention is a good thing. Kids are going to be challenging and we can’t give up. My son sometimes focuses on what I am saying about addiction and sometimes he gets angry with me. I find it to be less difficult the more support I have in educating him. So, sometimes I find myself educating other family members, as well.
I have an 18 yr old son and 15 yr old daughter who do not drink nor do they take drugs. They tell me when a couple of their friends do though. I have taught my children from about the end of elementary school that both are a waste of time, do not make you cool no matter what other kids say. We attend church every week but we are not “holy rollers”. We have taught our kids that it is wrong, illegal and against the plans that they have and we as parents have for them. I strongly suggest parents pay very close attention to their kids, love them, share their lives with them, and reassure them that God has a bigger plan. Make sure you encourage them to play a sport , a musical instrument, participate in theater - whatever they may be interested in. An idle kid is at risk to waste time with other idle kids and thus sometimes the alcohol and drugs are introduced. Encourage them that they can be everything they desire with hard work, motivation, self reliance. In American all things are possible. Even television shows nowadays teach your kids there is a bigger world out there than alcohol and drugs. The way to success is not wasted on idleness like trying to be cool or having no sense of self. If you do not take the time as a parent to spend on these important issues with your child now believe me you will end up taking the time with them later on to get them straight. Take a serious look at parents who have kids who don’t drink or do drugs, ask them questions, get involved with other successful parents. Parenting is hard work. It takes every day involvement. It is a commitment you must remember because it is important in the growth and maturation of your child. Also, I pray allot!
I am one of the fortunate parents who did not face the issues too many parents face when dealing with drugs and alcohol in their child’s life. I know too many who has had to deal with those issues and all I could tell them was to find a professional drug counselor who specializes in adolescent addiction, and to join an Al Anon or Narc Anon group to understand it is not your fault. Trust your instincts if you think your son or daughter is drinking or using drugs, and do not write it off to them being a teen. Try to model responsibility when drinking alcohol and using any kind of drug, and talk to your child, not at your child. Respect what they have to say, because being listened to and understood, can go a long way. You do not have to agree with what they say, but listen to his or her words.
I think it is great that parents are concerned and want to do all that they can to keep their kids away from alcohol and drugs. However, there are NO GUARANTEES. Also, don’t assume that just because you were able to keep your kids busy with school activities and sports, etc., in high school, that they won’t decide to abuse drugs and alcohol in college. That was the mistake I made, thinking we were home free because our son had graduated high school in the top of his class, a national merit scholar, and the MVP of his high school league. College brings another set of issues, and ones which we as parents have little control over, especially if they are living away from home.
I have learned that alcohol and drug abuse and addiction are equal opportunity issues, and that no one is immune from them because of their race, intelligence, or economic or social status. Just because a child has good parenting doesn’t mean he or she won’t get involved with substance abuse, and just because a child has bad or nonexistent parenting does not mean that he or she will become involved with alcohol and drugs. The statistics prove that it is LESS LIKELY, not that it is impossible. Again - there are no guarantees.
As parents, all we can do is keep our eyes, ears, and the lines of communication open.
Drug Testing is the best way to deter your children from using illegal drugs.
Should you drug test your teen? Will this cause your teens to feel like you are disrespecting them on their “home” turf? Are you ignoring the fact that your teens can get drugs even easier today then ever before?
It’s time as a parent to step up to the plate and confront your teens!!!
Drug use and prevention is one of the most frightening discussions you will ever have as a parent with your teen. According to one recent study, teenagers whose parents talk to them on a regular basis about the dangers of drug use are 42 percent less likely to use drugs than those whose parents don’t. As difficult as it is to bring up the issue of drug use with your teen, simply talking about drug use may not be enough to fully protect your child from experimenting with and using drugs.
How can this be solved? The answer is simple. In-home drug testing! If your teen knows you have the ability to perform a drug test at home on a moments notice, they are going to be even less likely to experiment with drugs. In-home drug testing can be an extremely powerful deterrent tool in preventing drug use! It becomes an “easy out” to peer pressure as well. Your teen can tell their friends, “No, my parents may drug test me when I get home and I have to be clean or they will ground me… take away my car… wont let me go out…” Isn’t this worth providing piece of mind as a parent knowing that your teen is held accountable for their actions?
DrugFreeNetwork.org is a great resource to buy in-home drug testing kits. The drug test kits come with a 10 panel urine drug test, an alcohol test, and a nicotine detection test. These tests are affordable, simple to use, and give accurate results within 5 minutes! One of the best tools in the kit is the contract that parents and the teens sign stating that they live in a “Drug Free” household. Also included in the kit are lists of local resources for counseling and treatment centers as well as a guide to parents which discusses the signs and symptoms of drug use, the many types of illegal drugs, and dangers associated with them.
In addition to using these simple to use drug tests as a deterrent, you could actually save your child’s life by identifying a problem with drugs before law enforcement or school personnel intervention or even death!
Harrison Lux
http://www.drugfreenetwork.org
To answer the question I would say a drug and alcohol counselor.
To join in the conversation, I wanted to share the following information:
A new study released by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America (August 5, 2008) reveals a troubling new insight into the reasons why teens use drugs. According to the 2007 Partnership Attitude Tracking Study of 6,511 teens (PATS Teens), the number one reason teens see for using drugs is to deal with the pressures and stress of school. In this nationally projectable study, 73 percent of teens reported that school stress is the primary reason for drug use, indicating that teens’ perceptions of motivating factors for using drugs are dramatically different than past research has indicated.
If you believe the research, then we as a society MUST do something about this…any suggestions?
First, I would confront my child. If I could not handle it myself, I would attempt to curtail all privileges, and then seek psychiatric counseling to see where I went wrong in raising him. The problem is most parents are totally unaware of what their children are doing outside their home. The biggest factor that influences teens (besides their parents) is their peers. If you don’t like your child’s friends there is probably a good reason one feels that way.
After listening to Mr. Califano this morning, I see where nothing much has changed since my children were teenagers in the 70’s and early 80’s. All three of my children had some experience with drugs back then and particularly my middle child, a girl. I sent her to stay a month with my brother’s family in another state to get her away from her peer group and while there an article appeared about marijuana use and how its continued use could affect a woman’s female organs and possibly cause birth defects in their future unborn children. I mailed the article to my daughter and I believe this was the single most important factor that convinced her to change her behavior. She later married, had two children, one of whom was slightly brain damaged, and I know she feels a certain responsibility for having caused her child’s difficulties.
I wonder if there have been any studies to reflect the incidence of birth defects among the children of women and/or men who have used drugs during their teenage years and, if there is a high incidence of this, whether this information should be more widely distributed in the hope of convincing teenagers that drug use is not only dangerous to them but to their future unborn children.
We’re grandparents raising foster grandchildren. We have already raised 6 biological children. If a problem is suspected it was and always will be dealt with ASAP. Any and every resource that is deemed helpful will be accessed. Kids are too valuable to leave to themselves.
I am going through this right now with my 17 year old daughter. What I am learning is…
If you think there is a problem, there is a problem and it is probably MUCH WORSE THAN YOU THINK.
Do not take no for an answer. Kids think they are invincible and will have endless excuses.
Seek professional help immediately. Get them in for an evaluation immediately and start a program.
If your kid talks about injuring themselves, go to your local magistrate and request an emergency custody order. Have them hospitalized for evaluation. This is a tough first step but it may shock them out of denial.
Don’t give up!
the best thing to do is to get personal help. Sometimes we think that we know it all, but getting extra help is very important.
Addiction is a family issue, it is so important to attend Al Anon and other meetings to help keep the focus on changing only the things you can. The hardest part for me was facing my own denial and learning how to set firm boundaries but not barriers while letting children be responsible and accountable for their own choices. Love, self-esteem, respect and integrity are not found by manipulating and controlling others into not drugging and drinking. We are powerless over others and the only way we can truly help is by keeping the focus on our own healthy behaviors.