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More than 15 years of CASA* research on teens and substance abuse finds that a child who gets through age 21 without smoking, using illegal drugs or abusing alcohol is virtually certain never to do so and that the greatest influence on teens is parents. Over those years, from thousands of emails, letters and calls from concerned parents like you, we've become convinced that you do not appreciate the power you have to raise healthy, drug free kids and how best to exercise that power. So we're writing a new book, Parent Power, to help you.
We chose to not discuss our use of marijuana with our kids until they were in college, however we did discuss marijuana use and the health/legal risks of using.
When we did discuss our own use, we were very clear that the marijuana we smoked was generally not as dangerous nor as powerful as marijuana is today. And, we explained that in the 70’s although there was some research as to the dangers of illegal substance use, emphasis was not really placed on prevention.
We have explained that there is so much research and historical survey information now on substance use that they have to look at the data and understand the risks associated with illegal substance use.
As far as alcohol is concerned that is always a harder sell in our house as my husband likes his drinking, when he drinks on the weekends, and I don’t consider him an alcoholic but he is an abusive drinker. Seems most times he just lets himself drink too much and he likes that. I’m more moderate and I have had many conversations with my three kids on the differences between their dad and I as well as the health risks and legal ramifications in the state of Virginia.
My kids ages 23, 21 and 18, do drink but out of the three I feel two exercise better common sense when it comes to alcohol than the other.
My advice, you can’t control every move your child makes and they need to make good choices, but you have to talk to them repeatedly about substance use and alcohol. As parents we have to attempt to give them the facts, enforce clear rules that we set and hope for the best.
I did not tell my two daughters that I had experimented with marijuana until they were both in their twenties. I did tell them about the one very bad experience I had in college when a bartender drugged my drink. It was a devastating experience and it frightened me to death. I was afraid I was going to die that night, in the fetal position in the rest room of the college gym. I wanted to let them know that drinks can be drugged very easily, even at a Catholic college gym social bar. When I told the story, my girls were very sympathetic and obviously very scared for me, even though 20 years had passed since the incident occurred. The effect was they learned to always keep an eye on their drinks and never drink from it if they left it unattended even for a minute.
My husband is an alcoholic and drug addict (chiefly prescription drugs).
Before our two daughters were born, he got into treatment and spent three years in Narcotics Anonymous. He stopped going to meetings after they were born; in retrospect, a huge mistake for our family. We decided it would be up to him to tell the girls about his addiction and when. Well, that was another huge mistake. When our youngest was twelve and our oldest fourteen, he began secretly using again. Chaos ensued, and still I waited two more years, until he left us, to tell them.
Now I am in an al-anon recovery program, and learning that most likely my husband was “dry drunk” all the years of our marriage when he was not working on his recovery. I also learned that because he (and I — addiction is a family disease) were not in recovery, we raised our children in an alcoholic environment, even though no one was drinking (or doing drugs). (I stopped drinking/doing drugs when I finished college). So now my daughters, the oldest off to state university in fall 08, the younger one a h.s. sophomore, have to come to terms emotionally and intellectually with the family history of use/addiction (my husband’s father and grandfather were alcoholics and died of alcohol-related diseases, as did my grandfather) and recontextualizing their conception of our family and their relationship with me and their Dad. Basically, I feel that not telling them sooner was somehow a breach of their trust; we are a very close family (or were–my husband is now pursuing a divorce and hasn’t seen the girls in six months) and keeping what should have been important emotional and physiological information to ourselves was harmful in the long run. The bottom line is: there is no shame about what you have done in the past and you can’t change it. Secrets harm families; secrets break trust. Tell your kids what you did; you can’t change the past and hopefully we all learn something about how stupid and dangerous getting high can be and how it doesn’t solve any problems but makes them worse (there’s an AA saying: “There’s no problem that alcohol can’t make worse” — amen to that!). But at the same time show your children by how you live that life can be really good without getting high. That’s how my husband and I parented until he relapsed three years ago. And although we are in a serious crisis now, I am proud to say that our daughters are sober (I joke with them that they are the only sober kids in their large urban public high school — it’s unfortunately pretty true). And as she goes off to college, my oldest understands the risk all college students are in to become substance abusers and she in particular with our family history and the emotional/financial upheavals of the last couple of years. She knows though that she has a choice to continue to treat her body and brain with respect and to have fun without poisoning herself and ruining her future. What she does with that knowledge is of course up to her. In college, getting high is equated with fun. But the consequences reach far into the future for many people, like my husband (who dropped out of college because of his use of narcotics and alcohol). As everyone in our family sees now, addiction is a lifelong illness, a lifelong battle. Do whatever you can to prevent this illness in your family. Tell your kids the truth. Tell them now. Thanks for listening.
My husband and I both experimented with pot and alcohol as teenagers. We also tried cocaine - a few times for me and quite often for him. I hardly ever partied. My husband partied frequently with marijuana. He also tried mushrooms, speed, and acid. Neither of us were wired for addiction. My daughter, unfortunately, seems to have inherited her father’s predisposition to be a raging partier, and also the disease of addiction. The intersection has produced quite a problem. Like her parents, she was an accomplished student and athlete. Unlike us, her life fell apart her junior year in high school when her addictive tendancies came to the forefront. We did not tell her about our experimentation until now. We did tell her about addiction in my family, and talked to her early and often about drugs. Any parent of an addict knows how ridiculous it is to expect that talking to a child will have any impact whatsoever if that child has the brain of an addict. Perhaps it will work for the mainstream - people like my husband and I. Up close and personal, it is quite apparent that drug addicts need pharmacological intervention, not warnings.
I told my kids that I experimented with pot and used way more alcohol than I should have. I always included it with the bad effects it caused, whether it was bad effects with my friendships, dates, driving etc to show that it was not OK.
They know that there is a ton of false information out there about Pot and that they can get it in 5th grade if they ask at recess! I think its important to strip away all the lies about pot as early as possible. It doesn’t make you more creative, it doesn’t make you more popular, it doesn’t help you rest, so you can study better…etc etc. The dealers and older users are going to come at them full force with the REASONS why they should use.
Also explain that it does effect the nervouse system and does numb the body and that is why people use it to treat some medical issues, but they could just as easily use other medications. The whole medical marijuana issue is used to confuse kids a lot. I work with an afterschool program and the dealers tell them its ok to smoke it because its LEGAL! Wrong message to convey. It shuts down the nerve receptors and slows reaction time! That is dangerous, not good!
So be honest about your use, but always talk about the negative aspects of your use. Kids appreciate honesty.
I started marihuana at the age of 15 and went on heroin etc. in the age of 18. I became drug free at Narconon Denmark after 20 years of addiction. I have a daughter 16 yrs, a son 8 yrs, a daugther 1½ yrs. I have from when I became drug free been honest with my addiction. Of course I didn’t tell all the story about having a needle in my arm, I mean all the bloody stories. But I have told that I took drugs and that it made me stupid, it send me in jail as I became a criminal and I have also told that I cheated, lied and was a real bad guy in that period. And as I really keep my ethics in now they can talk with me about it and they do, especially my son is REALLY into that it is totally stupid to “take hash” as he say and to drink alcohol.
I think drugs is the worse experience anyone can go through. I talk to my daughter about it eveytime so she can see that life is good without drugs.
I have a Great Boyfriend, but the downside is that he is addicted to Marijuana. He doesnt want to realize that he is an addict. I’ve tried to help him the best that I could but nothing works. He refuses to attend any meetings or group discussions. I need help. Does anyone know what else I could do?
No, I did not share that information with my children. As the primary adult role model in my childrens’ lives, I viewed total candor as possibly having too many negative repercussions. Specifically, I feared having my children justify their experimentation with substances by reasoning that if “Mom did it, I can too, and if she turned out okay, I will, too.”
To me, the risks of disclosure outweighed any potential benefits.
Every family plexus is different, however, and this decision just seemed to be the right one for my children and me. If this means quickly turning the spotlight back on my kids should they happen to ask me direct questions about trying pot or cocaine as a youth, then so it is. Since I no longer dabble in these substances, it seems irrelevant what I did in the past, which is why I have no trouble declining an interview on the subject!
I have a daughter in her tweens, and I plan to discuss alcohol and drugs with her in a couple of years. I used to drink a lot when I was in my twenties, as did my husband, but we don’t touch the stuff now. We will not prevent her from trying out alcohol but we will stress the negative impacts and consequences of substance abuse and the importance of taking responsibility for her actions.
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Katey Dell
This is a comprehensive addiction portal focusing on topics of alcohol and drug abuse.
http://www.alcoholaddiction.org
To remind a son and daughters, try to exlain them what are the good result of moderate drinkers of alcohol and addicted of alcohol. so that they will know what the consequence they got.
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MaxThis is a comprehensive addiction portal focusing on topics of alcohol and drug abuse. http://www.alcoholaddiction.org
My wife never used drugs. I, on the other hand, had an extensive substance abuse history from 7th grade through college. I was a second generation abuser of illegal drugs. I got my first marijuana from my mother when I was 13. My wife and I decided that honesty was the only way our kids could learn about anything without becoming jaded or disillusioned. I shared the truth with our kids. I remember telling them, “I used drugs. I smoked pot. But I was wrong. It never made me a better person. And I can’t think of anyone who is a better person because they get stoned.”
There were a few family members who continued to use drugs, and we were open about that as well. The kids were able to see first hand the difference between sober living and “the high life.” We got them involved in church where there were a lot of sober people. They got to know a lot of people whose lives were transformed and vastly better since drugs were no longer a part of their life.
Addiction towards drug is a dangerous thing which may cause vital problems to once life. Alcohol addiction is one of the major facts that could lead to immune death in a persons life.
—————
robert
Alcohol abuse affects millions. This site has a lot of useful information.
Alcohol Abuse
I havent. And propably will never. In my opinion if I tell them, it might give them a reason to expirement.
‘Dad tried it, so why cant I?’
So it kind of turns into a motivation. Or better, if my children look up to me, it would be an inspiration.
‘I want to be like Dad. I’ll do drugs’
Finding symptom of addiction is neither tough nor easy, it can be seen that if anybody is taking drug and alcohol regularly, and it passed almost one year then it can appear directly on the mind of some addicts. They will be seen as intoxicated a little and a little carelessness towards live because they use to start thinking negative about the life. Negative because mostly individuals fall in this addiction due to depression and depression is characterized by tension and tension is due to not meeting the interest and goal of the individuals.
http://www.edrugrehabs.com/
I used pot - started at 14, my daughter has started at 14 - how do i talk to he about this?
Yes, I smoked marijuana decades ago. Yes, I told my son I smoked it. He laughed and said, YOU SMOKED MARIJUANA? He taunted me for days calling me a “druggie”. He would never have known had I not told him, but I have an open relationship with my son based on trust. He in turn when confronted with a serious problem does not have difficulty coming to me. He does not always follow my advice, but at least he listens, and then makes his own decisions. He is quite independent.
Couldn’t comment about previous question–Here’s my comment regarding knowing other children’s parents. You bet we know them! If we didn’t know them, we wouldn’t trust our kids to be in their home or to hang with their kids.
We takl spairingly about previous alcohol or tobacco use. We have told them about our own parents’ use and how it affected our attitudes and experimentation with their alcohol and tobacco. How it led to our experimenting with it as kids. We also shared with them how difficult it was to quit tobacco after only using because of peer pressure.
Honestly I’m disgusted by half of these comments. Lying to your kids about your previous drug use? Come on! Hypocrites! You get pissed at your teen because they lie about using drugs, and you lie to them, its absolutely disgusting, no wonder kids these days cant talk to their parents. I used marijuana back in the day, big deal I’m not ashamed. My son uses pot quite frequently, but since he trusts me and is honest with me I know whats going on in his life. Hes not driving stoned, he isn’t doing lines of coke off his girlfriend, he isn’t robbing anyone, just a harmless joint after school and such to relax. I’m not saying to let your kids go out and party, I’m just saying you need to be honest with your kids so they can be honest with you.