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More than 15 years of CASA* research on teens and substance abuse finds that a child who gets through age 21 without smoking, using illegal drugs or abusing alcohol is virtually certain never to do so and that the greatest influence on teens is parents. Over those years, from thousands of emails, letters and calls from concerned parents like you, we've become convinced that you do not appreciate the power you have to raise healthy, drug free kids and how best to exercise that power. So we're writing a new book, Parent Power, to help you.
What I did was keep my children busy in sporting events. Talked to them from an early age about alcohol and drugs. My daughter attended a class about alcohol and drugs, this class informed her that it is not her fault that her dad and mom are alcoholics. Her dad still practices alcohol but i do not. I practiced what I preached, showed my children that there was more to life then alcohol.
My children were not innocent they did experiment with alcohol and drugs a few times, but they grew up knowing that they could stop, they knew their moral and ethical up bringing was more important than alcohol and drugs. Keeping children busy is the key to keeping them sober. I spent every minute with my children. I am a very active parent. It is tiresome on both sides but well worth it.
My daughter taught me a good lesson. She was involved in sports and student government, both of which required they sign a code of conduct contract.
We were talking about some of the athletes who had been suspended after drinking and how their parents to fighting to have them reinstated for the game, even though the charge was verified by police.
She calmly said, “You parents don’t get it. It really isn’t about the alcohol, it is about your integrity and the fact you signed that contract. By drinking and then fighting the consequence you are showing that your word doesn’t mean anything.”
It really got me thinking, that the more we can educate, support and model integrity the more our kids will be able to make healthy choices for themselves
The absolute most important aspect of parenting is being available 24/7. Yes, 24/7. As my daughters grew, I went from staying home to working part time to working full time. And working full time wasn’t until they were close to graduating from high school. Don’t get me wrong, I had my own life but they were number ONE AND THEY KNEW IT! Do you remember what it’s like to be number one in someone’s life? It feels great, doesn’t it? We can do this for our childred, it is what they should feel each and every day, to be loved and cherished! We’ve forgotten why we have children and how to be a family in today’s world. My girls and I shared dinner nightly, went on weekend getaways now and then, shared our love of the beach, and many times included their friends. I atteneded all of their sports games and they always knew I cared. I stayed involved and close and they certainly knew they were loved! It wasn’t about ME! It was about THEM! Both of my daughers are grown and doing rather well. I experienced one bout with over the counter cold medicine and my daughter was appropriately disciplined. She knew I meant business and she was also aware of my concern for her safety. Please know that my home is NOT alcohol free but appropriate behavoir was modeled and it was never an issue.
Again, be available to your kids, let them know how very much you cherish and love them on a daily basis. A day never went by where I didn’t say “I love you!” to each of them. Not one day.
The best thing a parent can do is ground their children in biblical teachings of what God’s purpose is for their lives.Sports, looks , social status are all unimportant in God’s eye. A daily fellowship, prayer and daily responsiblity of our body’s as God’s temple allows children ,parents and teen ’s to understand abuse of drugs,alcohol and their bodies is not God’s plan but mans plan. God loves our children so much more than we do and letting Him control our lives allows us as parents to be good stewards of our childrens lives.
To sum it up — Be involved in your kids life — A LOT!
Be honest with them. When my daughter asked me if I had smoked cigarettes and drank, I was honest that I had at her age (12.) I told her I had done it briefly and had not had a good experience and I immediatley stopped.
Communicate to your kids whay you expect. Tell them you do not want them to do drugs or consume alcohol and tell them often. And tell the friends they hang out with. And tell them why you do not want them doing this. And when they are out with their friends, check up on them because you care about them. Make sure they know drug and alcohol refusal skills. I think kids crave boundries and they need to know what consequences they will face if they go beyond their boundries. And when they do, be consistent and hold them to those consequences and boundries
I am a recovering alcoholic, sober continuously since my first AA meeting on Dec. 5, 1994. At that time, my son was 10 years old. In the process of getting sober, I read a lot about alcohol and other drugs (AOD) and eventually stepped down from my position as Dean at a local university in order to start an AOD prevention program focusing on freshman first, then on all the other students. I hoped that there would be a spill over affect on faculty and staff.
Throughout all this, I shared with my son and husband what I was learning from my own experience, from research on local students and from research done at other universities. As soon as I learned that my son, as the child of an alcohol (and grandchild of children of alcoholics, my parents) had a 33% chance of becoming addicted to alcohol and other drugs, I let him and my husband know about the risk. Eventually, my son wasdiagnosed as having ADHD (another genetic gift from me). I learned at that point that ADHD and ADD is another risk condiction and that it increased his risk to a point close to 100%.
I told my son that if he ever drank, or smoked, or used other addictive drugs he would almost certainly become an addict. I had learned that my own disease was genetic and was activated when I took my first cigarette at the age of 17. I knew that my addiction to nicotine began immediately after that first time, because I began to smoke a pack a day within less than a week, and in spite of many tries remained addicted and unable to stop for nearly 30 years. The nicotine set me up for the next substance, beer. I drank 4 beers a month or so later. Like so many addicts, I became sick and swore that I’d never drink beer again. And I kept my word. I had loved the feelings the beer created in me, prior to my becoming sick, so I sought out sweet tasting alcohol and mixed drinks. Not knowing about the alcoholism in my family (it was a secret almost everyone kept) and not knowing much about alcohol in general (my family were teetotallers), I had no idea I could become addicted — or that I had — until years later.
I told all this to my son, and said that the idea of him becoming addicted to cigarettes or alcohol or other drugs, made me ill and that I hoped he never had to experience what AOD had done to me. So far, at the age of 23, he has never tried any addictive drugs. I think there’s a good chance that he never will.
How do you keep your children safe from AOD? Tell them about the dangers and make it clear that you will be devastated if they use before the age of 21, when their brains are finished or nearly finished developing. If there is no genetic history of addiction, they can probably drink moderately at that time. If there is a history, they need to be like my son, too smart to start! As my son says, AOD doesn’t seem to do anything good for people, so why bother with it?
Spend time with them! Know who their friends are and get to know their friends and friends’ parents.
Provide them an environment where they feel they can talk to you about anything at anytime! It may sound hard, but just try it!
The most important thing is letting your children feel confortable about talking to you. Many parents think that by telling thier children that they can talk to them, their job in this area is complete. You have to make them feel comfortable talking to you. This may mean that you might have to disclose a little bit of your own information first. As long as this information benifets your child, than it is okay. They will feel more comfortable opening up to you. However, make sure you still maintain the parental role.
I grew up with an abrusive parent and promise myself that if I ever had any children I would not raised them the way I was raised. My father was an alcoholic, wife beater and cheater. I have always taught my kids to be honest with me. I could only give my children advice on drugs and alcohol abuse. I was knew that if they wanted to try either one they would behind my back. When my oldest daughter was 16 years old she came home and I noticed she was walking off balance. I confronted her and she told me to had to vomit. My sister was visiting that day and I remember her telling me give her (my daughter) some tea or soup to help her feel better. I told me sister to keep out of it, that if my daughter wanted to drink alcohol she needed to go through the consequences as well. Two hours later my daughter had her head on my lap and told me that she was sorry and would never drink alcohol again.
I think something that helped @ our house was role-playing their refusal skills. We told them it was perfectly fine to so say “No” without any further explanation, but also rehearsed some reasons they could give. We tried to always know their whereabouts and definite limits were set (curfews, etc.) And it was wrapped in love!
I believe that parents need to set good examples. Our kids learn from what we do, bad or good. My husband and I never drank in front of our daughters, and we never had alcohol at a restaurant and drove home. If we drank, we made sure that the girls were no where near us and they were staying over night at a friend or relatives’ house. Our daughters are now in their twenties and still do not drink to excess and if they do drink, they refuse to drive. They are usually the designated drivers for their friends.
All of these ideas are great. I would add that the loss of being in control is another strong point. That using substances puts one in a vulnerable position for not being in control of what happens to them ( rape, abuse) or in what they are doing at the time ( driving).
Three of my daughters are grown and I have a 13 year old boy. There wasn’t any alcohol or smoking in our home. We were active in church and the girls were active in sports. We discussed drugs, alcohol and smoking. We talked about the effects of each and why it wasn’t a good thing to start, not only from a physical standpoint but a mental standpoint. The girls are mothers now and carry on the teachings. We also knew who they were associating with and were not allowed to go to parties unless we had met the parents and knew the parties would be supervised. We were also knowledgeable of who they dated. My son will be a new experience but he has three older sisters that are involved in his life and a grandfather who spends a lot of time with him so hopefully we will make it to his 19th birthday with him on track.
That sure is a tough one. I have one child in recovery from a five-star drug addiction problem (we intervened very early, but had we not been dilligent she would have been headed for a life like that of Nic Sheff’s). My other teenager is extremely straight - moreso than his parents were at his age. Talking to kids about drugs will possibly helpthose who are not wired for addiction. I do believe in drug testing. It worked as a strong deterrent for my addictive daughter, and made it easier for us (what a word, “easier” - we have been through HELL) to catch her and get professional help. You do want to catch them - you really, really do. After we caught her smoking pot the FIRST time we used drug tests. I guess we also had an inkling that she may have inherited the disease. I don’t think my son is an addict, but if I ever catch him using illegal substances to change his moods I will regularly test him as well. With my family history, all of this needs to be taken very seriously. On the other hand, about 1 in 8 people will suffer from some form of addiction in their lifetime. With that in mind, I don’t know if there are any families who have the luxury of not taking the issue of drugs and alcohol seriously. By the way, I have never found a drug test which reveals LSD use. I have heard hair samples must be used. By the time that shows up, your child (if he or she chooses to use a lot of acid) could cause brain damage. I wish there was a truly up-to-date, comprehensive, all-in-one-package drug test on the market. Don’t think you can always spot it. Even my experienced husband and I missed it when she was high, even on LSD. We were quite surprised. One last thing…Parents have the power to deny a child from getting a driver’s license until they are 18. That is another great deterrent and tool.
Keep an open line of communication with them. That way they can ask you. I told them if they were or a friend was ever in trouble they could come to me no matter what.
Being safe to communicate is vital to being able to talk about drugs
It is important to be honest, but on their reality level, and the most important is to be a friend of the kid. Not be the “Parent” or the “I am more cleaver than you” etc. Be to your kid as you would be to a friend, and listening to the kid, do not invalidate no matter what the kid is saying, but if the kids comes with false data, like “Marihuana isn’t dangerous” then show the kid some statements what marihuana have done to people, you can find a some good information in the booklet “10 Things About Drugs You Friends Might Not Know” at http://www.narconon.org or http://www.narkobehandling.dk (click the English flag)
When I felt my son was at an age when he understood not all families are perfect, but in fact every family has problems, I was open about the alcoholism in his father’s and my family and of my friend’s. I spoke with him about the effects on lives when someone in a family is an alcoholic. I told him in terms which were age appropriate. When he was 11, a dear friend of mine’s eldest son was celebrating finishing his college mid-terms with his roommates, when he died if alcohol poisoning. I discussed with my son why my friend’s son died.I had my son attend the services with me where he saw the devastation this young man’s death had on so many people. When my son was 15 or 16, I was in school to get my degree and for some of my classes I needed to do research for my papers and I wrote on alcoholism in a number of classes and I went to a few AA meetings in my town. I found the honesty and the words of a recovering alcoholic could convey what I wanted my son to know and I wasn’t able to because I wasn’t an alcoholic. I pretty much had to drag him to the meeting because being a normal teen, he wasn’t thrilled about going to an AA meeting. I could not have planned a better speaker, but on this night the speaker who spoke was in recovery for 7 years, a former gang member, and was currently happily married with small children - all there to support him. When I asked my son after the meeting what he thought (he was silent throughout), his first words were “he’s hecka tight.” I know all I can do is educate and plant seeds, and I have to believe I planted the seed of just how devastating alcohol when not consumed responsibly can be destructive if not deadly.
CASA published a book not so long ago called, “Family Day: A Day to Eat Dinner with your Children.” While, on first glance, it seems rather simplistic to suggest that such a routine part of life for some people could be actually considered a preventive measure in the fight against substance abuse. So, with this thought in mind, I’d love to see the results of a study included in one of CASA’s next books to be released.
A study that includes children from intact marriages or partnerships contrasted with children from divorced or separated parents. I’d also love to see included in this study a group of single mothers and single fathers raising children alone. Perhaps another group could be utilized for the study, too, and this would be kids raised by family members such as grandparents, Aunts, etc. The study, upon completion, would conclude the percentage of kids from each group who have become involved in substance abuse, the age of involvement, and the extent of involvement of each group of kids.
Now, granted, this idea might need to be undertaken in the form of a systematic scientific evaluation as opposed to mere anecdotal discussions of the subjects being studied/observed. Perhaps someday this information can be part of an up-and-coming CASA booklet, a companion booklet, perhaps, to “Family Day: A Day to Eat Dinner with your Children.”
Parents should not alow themselves to be naive to their children’s lives and the red flags which may come up. As in infancy and toddlerhood, trust is the foundation for growth, and it is so critical to listen to your children and respond in a way that they understand they are capable to make the right choices in life. Parents should be aware that parents of their children’s friends may believe underage drinking and marijuana use are an “okay” part of growing up!
My son’s high school is among many schools across the country, which has mandatory parent meetings using the Community of Concern Program and Booklet as a format for parent education. It gives parents tools, and educates the parents about the adolescent brain and the ramifications of drug and alcohol use during adolescent years, signs and symptoms of use, a parent guide to parties and the social scene, red flags to watch out for, a caveat for “Beyond High School”, as well as the legal consequences in case parents want to know and share with their children of possible outcomes for children, and by the way, for any parents who may be tempted to serve alcohol to minors or provide a home for a party where alcohol might be served. These parent meetings/presentations usually also include a key note speaker who is a professional in the community who deals with adolescents and these issues (psychologists, police officer, etc.)
His school also has devised a way for parents to know that they can trust one another–for all the parents who have signed an agreement with the school, promising that they will not serve alcohol or drugs to minors, the school will place an asterisk * beside the name of each family in the school directory.
I lost my son to a prescription drug overdose at the age of 19. He was raised with intact parents who do not drink or use drugs, at church every Sunday & Wednesday, was always told about the dangers of drinking & drug use and yet we failed. Looking back, we can now see when it all started - when his friends changed, when he dropped out of sports, etc. You always hear “Not my kid!”. Even after our son died and we found evidence on his cell phone & in his room of who else was using the drugs, their parents didn’t want to believe us. One of his friends is now in prison, another is waiting for their court date on their arrest and another has had numerous auto accidents while under the influence. I hope their parents believe us now. At least their kids are still alive.
My four oldest children have all used alcohol. Two of them have abused drugs. I’ve tried different parenting methods with each child. All methods included abstinence, saying no, choosing good friends, limiting tv, and censoring music. None of it worked. They are all in some kind of trouble, moral or legal. I have 13 year old twin girls and I’m trying to keep them busy and spend more time with them. The outside influences in their lives are very strong. It is very difficult to be the “most important influence” in their lives: but I will keep trying. I refuse to give up on my kids.
Children as young as 8 are endowed with a wonderful abiltiy to discern what is good or what is harmful. Their minds work in a very simple way. Parents need to be having discussions around the issue of values; what is important in their lives, now and as they grow older. Family, friends, freedom, self respect and others.
Children have the ability to grasp this idea; if in your life you choose to make high-risk choices the one thing you may loose is the actual freedom to make your own choices. It may the lose of a job because alcohol or drug use interferes with their ability to perform. Friends and family may separate themselves. They may lose their health and no longer have the abiltity to maintain an active lifestyle.
They must learn that their choices can protect the things in their life that they value.
If as a parent I show a real passion for valuing things in my life that example will instill in my own children a desire to protect the things in their life that are important.
YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILD HAS TO BE ONE OF FRIENDSHIP AND AUTHORITY.
MY SON KNOWS I AM HIS FRIEND AND HE AND I CAN TALK ABOUT ANYTHING, BELIEVE ME HE HAS ASK THE MOST CRAZIEST THINGS. MY MOTHER AND ADOPTED MOTHER BOTH DIED FROM DRUG USE, I SHARE MY STORY WITH MY CHILDREN AND OTHER YOUNG WOMEN SO THAT THEY CAN SEE TO LEARN FROM OTHER ADULTS AND NOT TO REPEAT HISTORY, FOR THE SAME RESULTS WILL BECOME REAL WITH DIFFERENT OUTCOMES. I AM A NOT A PRODUCT OF MY ENVIRONMENT BUT A SURVIVOIR
The most important thing a parent can do is be very involved in their lives by being a parent and not a best friend. Both of my children who are now 21 and 19, and are drug free participated in sports year round.
I was divorced when my chldren were 3 and 1, and decided the divorce would be amicable, and my kids would not become casuality of the divorce.
I never missed a game from the time the kids started playing tee ball. In High School, there were occassions when both kids had an event and their father and I would decided which one of us was going where.
It’s best to concentrate on a plan for your family when your child does decides to abuse alcohol or other drugs.
75% of all teens will use alcohol and/or other drugs before they graduate high school.
Let everyone know what the plan is before it becomes an issue. This way there is no surprises etc. A wrriten and sign contract with the consequences detailed will do more than anything else. Trust me, I know!!!
Homeschool your kids! When you send your kids off to Rome, don’t be surprised when they come back acting like Romans. It’s your responsibility to raise and educate your children, not the government’s.
The most important factor to keep your kids drug free is to keep yourself drug free.
The most important thing parents can do to keep their kids drug free is:
Number one—don’t use drugs themselves.
Number two— don’t tolerate use of drugs or alcohol by them or their friends, or their friends’ families.
I wish I knew. The siren call of drugs and alcohol can seem pretty appealing to an insecure teenager, especially when it seems that everyone else is doing it.
Our oldest daughter is currently in long-term rehab despite family dinners, family togetherness nights, weekly church attendance, caring conversations about the consequences of choices, my involvement with the kids’ schools, counseling, good role modeling, etc. etc. Our second daughter has little interest in drinking or drugs, even though she’s fairly social. Our son is 14. As with the girls, we’ll tend to stay at home on weekend nights now that he’s entering high school. We’ll be talking to other parents, staying involved at school, staying close with him, reprimanding when he makes mistakes, attending his soccer games, encouraging him to get involved with student government….and keeping our fingers crossed that he sees the wisdom in avoiding drugs.
Our oldest seems to be taking rehab seriously; we have begun to stop accusing ourselves of doing something that may have caused her to choose drugs and to get caught up in addiction. This is incredibly painful for all of us. I don’t know what we could have done differently.
I do know that we’re trying, and have tried, to face each problem as it came, from the first time our daughter came home stoned, to most recently, when she called to say she needed help. We’ve tried to educate ourselves, remain open with each other and the other kids, get counseling as needed, for her and for us, and to remain close as a family.
It’s not easy; I hope we’re able to be a close-knit, drug and alcohol-free, family of 5 again.