Despite the fact that alcohol and other drugs are readily available to teenagers, parents do have the power to raise drug free kids. We want Parent Power to address the questions, concerns and real life situations you parents and your teens face everyday.
According to CASA’s annual National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse, 80% of high school students and about half of middle schools students have personally witnessed illegal drugs being used, sold, and kept at their schools, and students high or drunk at school.
I began to talk with them when they were approx. three years old.
Alot of what I said was “take a look around.” My point was easily proven by real life examples of people and situations in the neighborhood, ie - a local mom died at 33 from lung cancer (cigarettes); 2 local fathers died each at 39 from alcohol hemorages; several wasted adults from various kinds of drugs; birth defects in children whose parents had been local drug legends. These were not people on tv or elsewhere; these were parents and older siblings of my daughter’s friends.
We began talking to our daughter as soon as she could comprehend the words. It was important to us that she understand the genetic predisposition she carried. Both my husband and I are recovering alcoholics and have been sober since ages 18 and 21. Three of her grandparents also were alcoholics and numerous aunts and uncles. We were careful to speak to her using facts, science and the truth in age appropriate ways throughout her life. We did not tell her “horror” stories but let her know the risks involved. I am happy to share that at age 22 she has never had a drink, smoked or used drugs. She understands and accepts her genetic makeup and chooses not to take the risk. She did recently get a tattoo but what can a mom do? LOL
I am currently a professor in a counseling program, and I teach the addictions courses. I guess because I am teaching this information everyday to my students, it is easy for me to teach this information to my son as well. I have been discussing this with him since he was about 3 years old. I have also had him in class with me during particular lectures so that he can not only hear my perspective, but my student’s as well.
I talk to my 5 and 7 year old girls whenever something comes up that relates, such as honestly talking about a family member who is an addict and recently tried to commit suicide. Real-life stuff leads to open discussions about what is addiction, drinking and driving, the link between doing drugs and sadness, the slippery slope of lying and keeping secrets, etc. There’s also a great allegory/picture book by Eve Bunting called Riding the Tiger.
I began discussing all of these topics with my daughter when she was about 4 years old. She is 11 now and is a young middle schooler in a very large middle school. These issues are coming at us right and left, but we continue to discuss all of it, especially her predisposition to addictive behavior of all sorts from both sides of her family for many generations. She verbalizes understanding but also talks about how hard it is sometimes to talk about the dangers with other kids at school. She is pretty level headed and hopefully will remain on the right track. I keep her pretty busy with extracurricular activities.
My husband and I have talked to our children about drugs and alchol from the time they were old enough to listen and speak. We have warned them about the use of drugs and what could happen. We talked to them about drunk drivers and how bad people behave when they are drunk.
My son is 19 and my daughter is 16 and I just keep talking …sometimes you think they are not listening but surprisingly, just when you think they haven’t heard a word that you have said they tell you that you are right. Neither one of them take drugs or smoke and neither one of them like the taste of alchol. I also have told them if they wanted to try alchol, I would rather they have one drink in front of me rather than with strangers or there peers. They don’t know how it will effect them and you can’t trust the amount of alchol someone else will pour into their drink. Also, I think sometimes that “Forbidden Fruit” can be the sweetest to teenagers. If they think you will allow them to have a glass of wine or a mixed drink they don’t want it nearly as much.
I work at a substance abuse treatment center for teens, but I am also a parent of a 22 year old that had her difficult years. My husband and I began talking to her, about the perils of drugs and alcohol as the opportunity presented it self. We primarily focused on the physiological aspects and then as she got older we addressed more of the impact on academics and relationships. We figured by the time we suspected something, it would be too late and certainly not the optimum time. She had a short lived period of about six months during her 16th year, but we managed. My best advise is supervision, supervision and supervision.
I didn’t separate out drugs and alcohol form other behaviors. I talked a lot about what I liked about how my kids behaved, and about what I saw other kids doing that was good or bad. Started teaching decision making as soon as they could indicate what they wanted to wear, and what they wanted to do. Discussed the intended and unintended consequences of decisions. Involved them in making the rules so they understood the why behind the rules. When things went bad we discussed shy the bad thing happened and how they could have avoided it. I also gave them opportunities to safely rebel against rules and how to move towards more independence by demonstrating their ability to exercise good judgment. One of my daughter’s friends described my rule method as, “she can do anything she wants if she just has a good enough reason to do it. But sometimes there isn’t a good enough reason.” One specific technique was for them to “blame” me when they didn’t want to risk something other kids were trying to talk them into.
They are in their 30’s now and using the same techniques to raise their kids.
I spoke to her early, she was in first grade. She asked me about substances she saw in the newspaper. She’s an avid reader. I took the opportunity to teach her the dangers of alcohol and drugs. We would see the commercials and advertisements and I just enhanced the message by using life experiences, my friends who succumbed to drugs and people we would see in the street. I kept it very simple but profound. She is aware of the dangers and the long term debilitating effects. When she asks questions I use visuals to show her more than tell her. She seems to understand the image and remember it. This approach has worked for us. She is now 12 and very informed about the consequences of drug use and alcohol consumption.
My husband I started to talk to our son about alcohol and other drugs including tobacco when he was five years old. Our family has a strong genetic predisposition to addiction. We taught him about the effects of these substances but more importantly about the consequences to people’s lives. I have worked in the field of chemical dependency for over 20 years and we live in an substance-free household. Our son has grown up in the recovering community. We believe children need to make informed decisions about their choice to use or not use substances they can only do this if their role models teach them and model healthy behaviors. The greatest compliment my son ever gave me was one day we were talking about the drug use at his high school and he said, “Mom, I am so lucky to have you and Dad.” And I asked why and he said,” Because you have always talked to me honestly about drugs, alcohol and sex. What do kids do that have no one to talk to, they don’t get the right information.” Communicating with our kids openly and honestly is so vital. Spending time with our son and being involved in his life and activities is also a main ingredient in our prevention strategies. We know all of his friends and their parents and are an integral part of his life and our community. Some might say we are talking about the same old strategies but these things really do work. We have also made sure he knows about resources to get help for himself or peers who might need assistance. Our son is 15 now and we keep on talking the door must remain open for frank discussions no matter how old our children get.
We sat down, as a family, and had an open discussion about alcohol, drugs and sex. Our goal was to define our role as parents and to develop a written contract regarding the boundaries and consequences should a mistake in judgement be made. Our children, (ages 14 & 16) were involved in the decisions that were contained in the family contract.
Our son felt this wasn’t necessary and that we were over reacting to the “culture of fear” created by the media. We responded that his point was understandable but we felt an obligation to him, as parents, to do all that we could do. We explained we trusted him and were very proud of him. In addition, we had great respect for all his accomplishments.
I have always felt that parenting is much easier when everyone is up front about their expectations and what we can expect when those expectations are not met.
My only regret is that this conversation should have taken place several years earller
Respectfully,
Pat Nichols
I have two sons- age 15 and 18. From the time they entered pre-school, we begain talking to them about drugs and alcohol. We started with the age-old simple messages like “don’t take candy from strangers” to conversations as they got a little older of “what to do if one of your friends offered you some pills they found and they told you it was candy”. As they entered their teen years, I simply shared with them the facts: what happens to adolescent brain development when drugs and alcohol are used, the loss of federal financial aid/scholarships with drug convictions, and the simple fact that I want them to be safe/ doing drugs and alcohol is dangerous. I also let them know every day I love them very much and that I would be so sad if anything ever happended to them.
When my daughter was five years old, we discovered that her first cousin might have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. After evaluating our families, we found that our families have predispositions toward alcohol abuse.
Government programs seem to start alcohol and drug education at around the middle school and high school level. We believe this is way too late. It is so much easier to talk about addiction issues at an early age.
We also tried to do a little talking when we saw something…especially advertising…rather than have long talks that would wear us both out.
Started with my children as early as we thought they could comprehend the message. While we haven’t used fear tactics, per se, we rarely miss an opportunity to point out destruction of a human life when it’s at the hands of alcohol or other drugs because the opportunities are plentiful. When you start young they are all ears, less likely to tell you it’s not necessary to go over this or that they already know it. Thus far, they have been very in tune with what we expect from them.
My children have been aware of the dangers of nicotine, alcohol and drugs most of their lives. It is simply a matter of open communication in our home. We try not to ‘fear monger’ or make it sound like the ‘forbidden fruit’ but rather realistically discuss consequences. I have been a nurse for over 20 years and have seen great sadness brought on by substance abuse. Many of my patients were caught off guard, totally unaware of the physical effects of their lifestyles until it was too late. The suffering casts a dark, expansive shadow over the indivdual and those people whose lives are touched by that person. My children have learned that every action causes a reaction. We also pray, asking God to help us show others our love for Him by our actions. Now, I am a realist and know that my sons may someday test the waters but hopefully they will have a strong foundation to rely upon.
As a parent in recovery and in consideration of the all the losses I suffered from my addiction, I wanted to do whatever I could to help my kids grow up substance free, or at least addictions free. My daughter (now grown) drinks socially, the 18 year old has experimented with alcohol but so far has been responsible in his use, and the youngest who is 13 seems as if he will be the most resiliant about alcohol and drug use. Non of the kids smoke cigarrettes thank God. I began talking to each of them early on around age 6 or 7 in very preliminary ways but we have tried to have regular conversations as a family. Our fingers are crossed!!!
I’m curious about how many parents may have recommended a 12 step program for their child when they found out they were using.
We began talking about substance abuse with our four kids whenever we were in a social situation when they could observe people using tobacco or alcohol, or whenever they observed any substance abuse in the media. The specific age when this began was not our concern, but rather that we always made certain that they had no question about what they observed and about what was right and what was wrong. The discussion has continued as they have grown older, and is always an age-appropriate discussion. Our four kids are now 12 (boy), 14 (boy), 16 (girl), and 18 (boy).
I believe that talking to children about drugs; alcohol and tobacco, should start as early as possible. I say that because; if your child is exposed to messages, images and advertisemnts via television, magazines and the like; and in addition to seeing people or someone using at their early developemental stages; ideas and thoughts have been created. Therefore prevention dialogue should began immediately. My experince with children especially when they reach their teens; if you have not gain their trust it is difficult to talk about this subject; however with patience and sincere concern you can make a connection. they may not open up totally ; however they will perhaps ask you your feelings about the matter or they may tell you about someone they know that is using. if later you discover they have been using or they tell you they have thought about it or have experimented; try your darnest not seem greatly alarmed, panicked and began to speak to strongly toward them; because you could very well lose them and we don’t want that. Always show love and care at all cost!
We began talking with our children about drugs and alcohol when we moved from our home in Utah to Reno many years ago. Our children had not been exposed to any types of drugs up until we moved and our first visit to the park down the street from our new home, our children found used syringes and cigarette butts. They found them at the top of the “Big Toy” and showed them to us. We realized that this world was a larger place than we had realized and that we had better start talking. We began from that moment teaching our children about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. As our children grew, we realized that drugs were everywhere and our children could get them just about anywhere they went if they really wanted to. This was a huge awakening, but it was also a wonderful opportunity to for we as parents to learn, teach and councel with them.
None of my six kids drink or drug. I taught them about God a long, long time ago and I taught them about the Diseasae of Addiction. After 13 years of marriage, I found myself raising 6 kids by myself and had to work three jobs to support them. I made it a point to have what we called “pile on night”. We all met at 6:00. We locked the doors, took the phone off the hook, put on our pajamas and I brought in Pizza, chicken, or whatever they chose for dinner. We would sometimes rent videos, but very seldom did we pay any attention to them. My children began sharing what they loved the most about each other, the funniest things that happened in the past week, what their fears were, and what problems they had and took advise f rom one another. We did this for several months and then I began to realize my kids didn’t want the movies any more. They just layed in each others laps, played with each other’s hair, scratched each other’s arms and talked and talked and talked. To this day, my kids yearn for the times when they were just kids and they could have “pile on”.
I forgot, I was always very, very honest withthem and did not treat the boys different from the girls. I also taught them about the different drugs and what they did to our bodies and brains. My children would comment about others they knew that were using drugs and what a mess they had become. I answered every question they asked, no matter what it was. I had one child who had kept asking me if she could have a sleep over at a friend’s house. The weekends would always change and the sleepovers did not happen. Then one day she said she was going over to spend the night for real. It turms out the parents wee fonally on their vacation and everyone in school was going to the “mega party”. Of course I was not aware of these plans, but when I dropped my daughter off for the party I said, “Please rember who you are and what I have taught you.” We kissed goodbye and I drove off. A huge blizzard came through within the next few hours. I had stopped a the store on my way home. When I arrived at home, my daughter was sitting in the freezing cold on the front porch. She said, Mom, you just had to go and say that didn.t you. After that there was no way I could be apart of what was taking place.” She was seventeen and had her value system in place to call on. I was very proud of her.
We have always, since early childhood, talked with our son openly about substance abuse and addiction. We avoid scare tactics because they don’t work. Instead, we explain how people start using substances and how they like the way they make them feel, and how addiction develops over time. We remind him that no one starts out with the goal of creating problems for themselves and becoming addicted. They just want to change the way they are feeling. We describe substance abuse as a short-cut to nowhere.
My husband and I have talked with our children from the time that they were old enough to understand. We have also engaged them in activities where other adults also communicate similar information. I believe that hearing the same information from a variety of resources is better than simply listening to Mom or Dad.
We use news reports, books, and behaviors that we see at events or other public venues to open communication with our children. We answer their questions openly and honestly–regardless of the subject.
We also take the time to spend one-on-one time with each child. My husband schedules “dates” with his daughters where he can model appropriate behavior and ensure that they will be treated respectfully. We stay in touch with teachers, coaches, etc. Every day provides a new opportunity to reiterate the dangers of alcohol and drug abuse.
We keep our children active in “healthy” activities as well. If they learn to respect their bodies early on, hopefully they will avoid substances that will hurt them.
I can’t really remember (my sons are now 20 and 16). My husband and I don’t drink all that much but would sometimes have wine at dinner or a beer if we went out for pizza. We always made it understood that this was an adult activity.
Later, I was able to talk to them about the impact of having an alcoholic father. That not only did it hurt our family but it hurt his health and his entire life.
We talked in their early teens about drug use but I had little experience and my husband none. I told them that in college the choice was drugs or new clothes, movies, etc. and I decided against drugs.
It must have sunk in because my older son thinks drinking and drugs are stupid and says so frequently. (I tell him to not be too opinionated around other college students; it’s okay to be against it without forcing morality on others unless they abuse alcohol.)
My younger son has tasted wine and beer at the table and dislikes the taste. I know a few of his friends have gotten drunk to the point of being ill and, concurring with my narrative experience, told him it’s the worst sick to their stomachs they ever had.
We raised a blended family of 6 children. My husband became an alcoholic during the upbringing of the older 4. They were heavily involved with that whole scene and were involved in the recovery process as he was going through recovery (13 years in May). The two youngest grew up with him unavailable and lived with the alcoholic personality so after his initial recovery period and still yet today there are residual problems and a totally different perspective on life in our household from the 4 older children than we have from the two youngest.
I had an ongoing conversation with my four children porbably begining when they entered middleschool. My children witness kids out of control with substance abuse in our neighborhood and were repelled by it. I continued to talk to them frequently about the effects of alcohol on the immature brain of teenagers, the risks of drinking, especially for girls, ect. I kept this conversation going all the way through highschool and into college recognizing that it is a continous threat to our kids in this society and especially in the dorm enviornment of our state colleges and universities. When the “Wasting the Best and Brightest” study was released, I read it and had my college age kids read it and we discussed it together. I also invited some of their friends over to read and discuss the study.
I started talking about choice making and being responsible for those choices at about 4 (developmentally when kids are beginning to understand the why of rules). As they got older this conversation turned in to good/bad decisions as a friend and made by friends (e.g. designer clothing, curfews, gossip,…). We also talked about cigarette smoking/tobacco use, alcohol, marijuana, and other drugs as the kids began to remark on people using them or they were nearing the ages that I know locally most kids get their first exposure to the abuse of these things and peers “sneaking” them. In our area most kids are exposed to marijuana use at school in 6th grade and alcohol use in 9th grade. The majority of kids here get the alcohol from their parents’ home(s), so we discussed the need to make good choices about leaving/staying at a place where that might be happening and always knowing they can call us at any hour to come get them if they do not have a safe ride home or need us to be the “reason” they have to leave. It is disheartening to see the number of kids that start to smoke cigarettes regularly and sometimes in the presence of their parents as they near 18 because they are then legal to purchase them. I have also always made a point of saying that alcohol is a drug, just like all the others they hear of- but also like the aspirin in our medicine cabinet; and abusing any chemical to the point it was not intended to be ingested is not healthy mentally or physically. In focusing on good healthy choices we also focused on the importance of feeling good about themselves and acknowledge the stress of peer pressure even when it is not verbal pressure but just being in the presence of good friends making choices they know we as their parents would disagree with. And of course letting them be really mad when they disagree with our decision, but they are only mad a few days and because we have always taught kind mutual respect (respect adults and they will respect you back) they in the end support the decisions we as parents make.
I try not to focus on the “scare” tactics of what it can do to their brain, it can become an addiction, etc. because for every instance of me showing them someone this occurred to they name 10 peers within 30 seconds who it hasn’t; so in the teen mind it is not a strong motivator. It is better to tell them that better to make a good choice and not use rather than risking being the 1 kid that did have a negative outcome or become addicted.
And always just asking them about these issues, otherwise they take a “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach. They are always reinforced that I love them for who they are, trust them for the good choices they make, respect them when being honest about the not so good choices they might make - and that all these things (love, trust, respect) are difficult bridges to rebuild completely when they are broken.
I was lucky to have worked with professionals in the prevention field for about 13 years now and coordinated a prevention coalition for 12 years. I have three children now 23, 21 and 18. I truly believe that it’s important for parents to take a look at their behavior when it comes to substance use (prescriptions, over the counter and illegal drugs, tobacco and alcohol) if they desire to communicate protective factors, which lead to healthy lifestyles, to their children.
Having said that each of us possess innate pre-disposition to certain behaviors. Some of us may exhibit more addictive personality traits than others leaving us more susceptible to outside, negative influences. I have discussed the dangers of alcohol use at young ages in particular to my children including the science of addiction. Like anything else, unless you are in the moment and experiencing a consequence, you’re hard pressed to truly understand it. Most baby boomers, it seems, don’t believe the science of heavy alcohol use as they don’t realize nor have experienced any consequences from their own use.
With my three children the 23 year old is the heaviest drinker. My 21 year old drinks but not as much nor as excessively as the 23 year old and my 18 year old does drink but I get the sense he’s not a heavy drinker. But I’m not naieve and I’ll never say never when it comes to anyone’s behavior. My husband likes his alcohol and does not limit his intake when he drinks, he has even driven drunk and until recently has resisted my harsh lecture on this subject. He’s just now starting to come around on that and pointedly tells me how he limited his alcohol when out at work functions. Progress at last and frankly because of his lack of judgement on this in the past he has served as a poster child for my kids on not drinking and driving.
I’ve talked and talked and talked and the results are not perfect but I have gotten through on drugs and drinking and driving. So always and frequently communicate with your children, even if they don’t take all of your advice and counsel, you are being heard.
I answered this question in response to question #1 about keeping them substance-free.
When my son came home in 4th grade and asked me if it was true what DARE told him, that alcohol and cigarettes were DRUGS. Because I smoked and drank, I said that was true but these drugs were safe.
Now I am in recovery and free from addiction to both those drugs, and I tell him the truth. Neither of them does anything positive for anybody. Even the “wine helps your heart” stuff is misleading. Grapes help your heart, you don’t have to drink wine to get them. And, the side effects of alcohol include heart disease and stroke as well as cancers of the throat, esophogus, stomack, colon. Even one drink a day for women (which is defined as moderate drinking) increases the chance of breast cancer. Alcohol and cigarettes do no good for anybody, ever.
I talked to my 7 year old daughter today about the dangers of drugs when she picked up a news paper and saw an article on the dangers drug use. She asked me questions and I answered, then I told her that drugs destroys your brain and kills. It will destroy every relationship with God, Jesus, family, and friends. It will take away her future dreams of becoming a vet, a chef and a mom. I then told her that anytime someone talks to her about drugs she should come and tell me or her father. If someone tries to give her drugs of any kind she should say No and walk away then tell us about it as soon as she gets home. Today I realized that the childish innocent my daughter has is changing faster than I can imagine.
I was lucky enough to be a small town newspaper reporter when my girls were growing up. When I went to a vehicle accident to photograph it for the paper, I took my girls with me whenever I could. They saw crashes up close and personal, from the time they were in early elementary school. I wanted them to see the reality of drinking or doing drugs first hand. I know most parents want to shield their children from hard reality like death and crashes, but I am a realist and my daughters thank me now that they are 20 and 21 for letting them see what drugs and alcohol can do to people’s lives. I think we have to stop sheltering our small children from reality and let them learn the lessons of life when we have the opportunity. I believe you can not start too early with the facts of life.
I was a therapist , focused on treating addictions for a number of years.
I now do not practice, yet have much sensitivity to predisposition of addictions. However, I had no training with young children. I have a sense my youngest 9 year old has many of the characteristics that i have found common in older people struggling with addiction. Is there any literature out there that speaks to this, and how to help parent a child with these precursors, beyond talking about the effects of substance abuse.
Thanks much.
4 years old we talked about how the alcohol was not good for the body. It was a drink only adults drank, but if they drank too much it made the body sick!
Earlier the better. I work with kids whose parents all use soemthing and the earlier a different opinion gets in there the better. The truth about the drugs and how they effect the body is very real to young kids. They see the parents doing stupid stuff or not being able to get up and play with them etc. Its real when you tell them what the drug does and will really hurt the body over time….or even one time can hurt them a lot.
When George W. Bush was first running for President it was all over the news that he’d been busted for cocaine during his younger years, which started a discussion with my kids that is still ongoing. My kids, then 6 and 7, asked what it was. I explained it was an illegal drug, how it makes a person feel, that it was legal at one point, very popular in the ’80’s, and that it’s still around today. I also explained that there are illegal drugs, OTC drugs (like cigarettes, aspirin, etc.), and prescription drugs, and that they all have some sort of effect on your body and/or brain. I pointed out that most drugs have a functional application (with obvious exceptions, like the cigarettes I smoke), and that they can all easily be abused. Over time, I’ve also been able to lay out for them that often substance abuse occurs when people try to self-medicate, and to try to stay conscious of that fact. Kids are barraged with overly simplistic slogans on the matter, such as, “Just say no,” and are sometimes mislead into believing that if you hit a joint you will certainly end up on heroin. Fearing when they discovered this is not necessarily true that they would mistrust any warnings they’d heard about drugs, I also cautioned my kids that it’s each person’s responsibility to be well-informed about anything one puts into ones body. I have always been 100% honest about my own drug history and any knowledge I have about a drug, including what people tend to like about it. I know this has lead them to be honest with me.
MY SON WAS 5 YEARS OLD WHEN I FIRST SPOKE WITH HIM ABOUT DRUGS , AS HE GOT OLDER THE CONVERSATIONS ABOUT DRUGS WE MORE VISUAL I WOULD SHOW HIM PHOTOS AND STORIES ABOUT PEOPLE WHO TOOK THIS ROAD. TELL ME ABOUT PEOPLE IN OUR FAMILY AND WHY I WANT THE BEST FOR HIM.
I am currently in recovery from drug abuse and on 5-years probation for possession. Part of my probation assignment is to research drug abuse in children ages 10 and older and parents who abuse drugs. This research brought me to this website and others like it, through which I have read comments and stories not so unlike my own.
I too starting talking to my daughter at a very early age warning her about the dangers of drugs and consequences associated with the use of drugs, illegal drugs especially. I used my history with various drugs as a realistic example, hoping my daughter would not dismiss my warnings based on the fact I actually had first-hand experience. My daughter did not even experiement with any drug until after she turned 21, at which time she experimented with pot, and with coke and meth a time or two, but has chosen a drug-free lifestyle.
Ironic isn’t it — hopefully I can take lesson from my own knowledge and experience and remain drug-free as well.
It’s never to early to talk with your kids and you simply cannot be too honest.
Just before he went to his first treatment program!
We talked to them about unhealthy habits–alcohol and tobacco in particular. We don’t smoke and we told them why. We do have a glass of wine occassionally with a meal and with family and friends. They have always known that a drink is an adult choice and shouldn’t ever be abused or used by kids.