More than 15 years of CASA* research on teens and substance abuse finds that a child who gets through age 21 without smoking, using illegal drugs or abusing alcohol is virtually certain never to do so and that the greatest influence on teens is parents. Over those years, from thousands of emails, letters and calls from concerned parents like you, we've become convinced that you do not appreciate the power you have to raise healthy, drug free kids and how best to exercise that power. So we're writing a new book, Parent Power, to help you.
Despite the fact that alcohol and other drugs are readily available to teenagers, parents do have the power to raise drug free kids. We want Parent Power to address the questions, concerns and real life situations you parents and your teens face everyday.
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One of the most important realities of helping young people to think through their position on drug use is for a parent to model healthy and appropriate behavior around drug use. Therefore, in our home there is no use of alcohol or other drugs, and no alcohol or other drugs in the home. Living life and enjoying life without the use of mood altering substances is modeled every day.
Two strategies that made a big difference. 1) Lots of time together as a family with and without the kids friends, including being available to their friends (they tell you a lot about your own kid, as well as helping the other child deal with life). 2) involvement in activities that bond them to a group, especially groups that include parent involvement, such as teams, bands, church, etc. Kids need to feel they belong, and if they are having fun they are less likely to seek risky activities. And it gives them many adults to interact with. One of the best influences is a coach who says live a health lifestyle, and if your grades drop you need to spend more time studying, even if you have to miss practice or a game.
I’ve worked in the field from prevention to treatment. In looking at what prevents my sons’ from the use of ATOD, the only factor I see that is different is not what I expected. I expected to find that children from broken homes or those not involved in sports would be the ones that use ATOD more frequently. They only substantial difference I have found is that kids that have to get up at 4am to hunt are less likely to use ATOD.
Parents who are involved in their child’s life- be it school, sports, hobbies, etc. is one the key factors in keeping kids alcohol and drug free. If you don’t want your kids hanging out unsupervised with friends, make your home a teen-friendly place to hang out- with you present. If your kids’ school has a PTG, is looking for volunteers to chaperone a dance, or needs parents to sit on a committee- join in and get involved. If your kid enjoys a hobby- learn to love it too!!!
My daughter was extremely disappointed that the DARE program in her school did not talk about the abuse of alcohol very much. She watned to and did bring up the topic of Fetal Alchol Syndrome and she was only 12 years old!
I think the time we spend with our children is the most important thing we can do. I also felt that we should give her some adult responsibilities at an early age and if she had chores, we tried to do them with her, so that her “chore” was something to be shared and meant a time of being together.
We are Midwesterners….and there are generations and generations of farmer’s kids who grew up doing some pretty adult chores before going off to school and then coming home to do more chores and study and then go to bed. And most grew up to be good citizens with fine characters.
We also limited the time she spent on planned activities. She could have one planned activity after school but the rest of the time, we encouraged her to develop her own interests. Time to be a kid was important for her.
Another important thing we tried to encourage was her own decision making. We started at a very early age with chosing between a toy she saw at the store and a gift she wanted for Christmas or her birthday. We tried to elicit from her her reasons for wanting things or wanting to do things. She would often show extremely good judgment in doing or not doing things that the others in her school were doing.
This will sound old fashioned or impractical but one of the very most powerful way for parents to shape behavior is by modeling. If a parent does not smoke, drink or use drugs it serves as a powerful deterent to a child using these substances.
Another equally powerful strategy is to introduce kids to God whose love and power can meet every need and provide identity, purpose and a code for right living.
The greatest help and support we receive is from our church (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). The youth are given a great pamphlet that the receive at 12 and use regularly in classes called “For the Strength of Youth.” We also have a weekly “Family Home Evening” on Monday nights which has been a great help to us and our kids. Our three boys all participate in Boy Scouts, and we have found that to be a great help to us as well.
The most important skill we have taught our kids is problem solving. Most kids are not taught this skill and make the mistake of trying to solve a problem with lying or being deceptive in some way, which just leads to another problem. We teach our kids how to solve common problems they encounter (age appropriate) and role play as a family during lessons on Monday nights (Family Home Evening). It helps kids to learn to recognize proplems and know what to do as they come up. If they have solutions already prepared it is much easier for them. We have also learned that these problem solving skills extend far beyond substance abuse. We see so many kids that do not have a clue when it comes to solving the basic problems of life that they encounter. Our kids are not perfect, and learn from their errors. They know that they will be held responsible for their choices and that they will have to deal with the consequences of their choices. Parents who solve problems for their kids are causing a much bigger problem with their kids become young adults and do not have the skills they need to become responsible adults.
The most important thing that I believe in raising children to be drug free is to be the example in the home, both parents, and teach together good values and morals. Those values and morals come from going to church as a family and living the teachings of Christ. Morality and values aren’t just something that kids pick up without being taught by example. Parents need to wise up and make sure that their behaviors reflect what they want their children to learn. Children are like sponges and will soak up watever is in front of them and it is just as easy for them to soak up a bad example as it is to soak up a good one. Be the intact two parent home. Be the example of moral purity and character. Be the example of how a husband should love and treat his wife and visa versa. Live it, Be it, and teach it!
Parents that are drug and alcohol free. Open communication with your children. Dare programs at at the elementary level. Even single parent families can accomplish this if they set aside time for each child and time for discussion so they feel like someone cares. Sometimes the very basic need is just to be validated so they know how their parents or parent feels. That alone can sometimes make the difference between a no and a yes.
It all starts with positive modeling of behavior you want them to have from the moment they are born. Then making it clear that you are always there to listen, even if the message might be difficult to hear (if they slip up let them know you want to know that too so you can help them in any way you can). Then reinforcing the good choices they make in friends, in after school activities (any healthful activity even if it is not organized athletics, religion, etc), following up on what they are taught in the prevention programs at school, discussing local events you hear of through the news or the rumor mill about kids involved in negative activities, etc. And making it clear to friends in a nonthreatening way that those are the expectations in your home and for your kids when they are with others elsewhere. Most beneficial is the chance for open communication lines without fear of severe/unrealistic judgment and that there really is no place like home.
We were the best parents one could find. We were involved with the church and my daughter was involved with the youth group and sunday school. We participated in a week long youth activity in the summer, which involved all of us traveling to rural WV and rebuilding homes for the less fortunate. My daughter went on these trips long before she was in the age class of kids that participated. However, all of our boundary setting and watchfulness wasn’t enough to keep her away from the drugs.
Our family has a genetic disposition to alcoholism and substance abuse. She also has depression and now we find she is bi-polar. There are some kids that are wired at birth. When poor judgement is exercised at an early age (and who has made some bad choices in their lives) they end up paying the penalty.
I belong to a family support group called “The Bridge to Hope” and sit there week after week trying to find a common thread and there is none. It doesn’t matter if you’re child has been affected by divorce or the parents have been married for 30 yrs, church goers, only child, adopted child, 1st, 2nd, or 3rd child, in sports or not. If a child decides to experiment with any substance, even cigarettes they can become hooked immediately. Like my daughter who really didn’t do a lot of drinking, was introduced to heroin and was immediatley hooked and our lives have been a living hell.
I don’t think there would have been anything that I could have done, short of keeping her locked up somewhere, to keep her from seeking out this life style?
And now it is not even the illegal drugs that we have to worry about, but the prescriptions that our kids find in their parent’s cabinets.
I believe the answer lies in their biological make up and good or bad parenting has nothing to do with it. I know kids whose parents smoked (pot) and drank right in front of them and they made the choice not to use substances, because of the genetic factor.
My son and myself attend Alanon meetings weekly due to family issues, so drug and alcohol use and issues are widely discussed between us. I also went to the school, with my son’s permission, and started an after school club for students who are affected by someone else’s drug/alcohol use, much like Alanon/Alateen. The teacher who sponsor’s it is great and the kids are very open. I want to cry every night that I go home. I think that our kids (and I mean all the kids in our area of influence) need a safe person to talk to that they can trust. That person should be a school counselor, pastor or teacher, but it can’t always be. This way at least they know that they are not alone, and that some of us have been there done that, and they will and can make it through this. I think alot of parents need to wake up to the fact of what our kids are dealing with at school, home and in the neighborhood. It is not pretty out there, but they are doing a tremendous job with little or no supervision many times.
FRIENDS: believe it or not my son quit smoking cigarettes on his birthday after 5-6 months of visible smoking. a friend reached over and broke the cigarette he was lighting in two, took the pack out of his pocket and said to him “you said you would quit on your birthday”. now that is a friend and it stuck. [i made a huge fuss over the smoking; which did not impact the quitting any sooner & in this case may have built his resistance to me]
THE COMMUNITY: my son was born with fetal alcohol syndrome and came to me as a 12 pound 12 month old in my foster care and later in adoption. he is now 21 and he now drinks. he says 1-2-3 drinks per weekend eve only- never on a work night. we pray the above will happen again as he weighs the expense of liquor, the type of person he sees only able to have their fun on booze and as we do attempt to engineer him into at least 2 out of 8 weekend evenings every month- the high risk times- into some outings with other folks having special needs such as his own. he cannot drive so a day long outing to the megamall sounds pretty good on a saturday. i panicked when i heard he was showing people full fifths of rum IN HIS APARTMENT. he is so naive he showed that to his psychhologist-for example. he showed me of course the empty fifth; “waiting for recycling” and told me “this is how much my tolerance is for one week now”. it was like trophy, he was showing off. when i said i know you are pushing my buttons because i love you and i do not want anything bad to happen to you…..but just be careful son. [he does not want to lose his housing due to becoming identified as a problem drinker or drinking alone at home]. gratefully his psychologist and the manager of the apartment housing held a conference with him & explained to him that he is at-risk for becoming an alcoholic and this did not come from me. thanking heavens for that. it bore so much more weight when coming from them, not me. meanwhile i checked out hazelden in center city, minnesota as well as our local emrgency room’s prowess with problems like overdose, treatment, detox and the like. i felt better and was very grateful my son was praised for all the things he is doing right in that meeting. well expressed was the concern for his at-risk status; but his professionals were so very right to give him all the positive feedback they did for what he is doing right. thus as mom, i am very VERY thankful to both the friends and the professionals in our community.
Setting a good example. Never drinking in front of them and of course, never doing drugs. When I took a job that required random drug testing, I bragged about it and told them I was glad it had that stipulation because it kept the drug users out and made the work place safer. I also told them that many jobs now have random drug testing and they may have such a situation when they were in the workplace. We also attend church regularly and depend on God’s blessings to see us through. My daughters would never want to offend their Lord by abusing their bodies with drugs/alcohol or taking for granted the wonderful lives they have been given.
The most fullproof way to keep a child drug-free is to have the good fortune of having them NOT inherit the disease of addiction. I actually believed that you could raise a child properly so that, even if it was in my family, I could control that. I could protect my child from it. That wishful thinking was pure ignorance. If your book is mainly for parents of “normies” - kids who might want to experiment, please ducate those parents that if their child is not a drug addict it certainly is NOT because they did a superior job of parenting. Not only is that belief unfair to people like me, it is also a dangerous way for anyone to think. You cannot outsmart addiction. I think every child would be safer if parents knew the truth. If the signs are there, it isn’t that you did anything wrong, any more than if your child had MS. You do need to find that child professional help.
If you start young the dialog stays open! You have to be good role models, even if you used in that previous life, but now you got to show the way to do it.
communication is the only way to keep them clean. Good friends and neighbors, schools and churches help, but its at home that matters most.
I’m now a grandmother who, along with my husband, raised two sons who have grown to be good fathers, husbands and citizens. They made some poor choices, though, when in high school, and engaged in somre pretty risky behavior.
What could we have done differently? One thing we would re-do is make an ALL OUT effort to create an alcohol-free party home, devoting a room in the house as a fun and welcoming place for kids to hang out. We would send a clear message that you’re always welcome here but your alcohol and/or other drugs is never welcome. This was my belief then but I wasn’t nearly as overt and determined as I needed to be.
We parents do have much more influence that we realize!
First and foremost is the parents’ commitment to be their kids’ parents, not their buddies. They’ll have plenty of buddies at school and other activities. Then, a good moral example by parents and their acquaintences.You can’t just say “do as I say, not as I do”. Morality should be established very early, church attendance should be a family affair and Biblical virtues taught and personally reflected . Next, our opinion is to remove them from the public school influence. We used the public school through grade school and started middle school. It was not a pleasant experience for any of us. There was absolutely no structure, no morality, no dress codes, no behavior expectations, no academic standards. We were appalled! For the past five years they have been in a home school/learnig center/private school atmosphere. It’s been worth every minute, and every dollar to see these kids become persons of ability and integrity. Next we have the kids participating in a national drug demand reduction organization sponsored by the US Marine Corp League. It’s called the “YOUNG MARINES”. It’s open to all youngsters, both male and female from ages 8 years through graduation/18 years. It’s primary focus is healthy living–No Drugs/Alcohol/Tobacco use! Get and stay physically fit. Get your education, do community service, be responsible, be positive peer leaders and role models. This has been a great help in guiding our kids away from unhealthy lifestyles.