Despite the fact that alcohol and other drugs are readily available to teenagers, parents do have the power to raise drug free kids. We want Parent Power to address the questions, concerns and real life situations you parents and your teens face everyday.
CASA’s annual National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse finds that one-third of teens and nearly half of 17-year olds attend house parties where parents are present and teens are drinking, smoking marijuana or using cocaine, Ecstasy or prescription drugs.
My kids are grown now, but they tell me they didn’t have any opportunity to drink as teens because they were never allowed to go to a home unless I had spoken with the parent and the parent would be there. I always called and offered to help with the party by sending sodas or snacks, or help with chaperoning if needed. My kids had friends from families with similar rules and standards. If someone had very different rules we discussed with our kids the probability that they would be uncomfortable around that family.
I have been very open and clear with my kids over the years that I will not allow them to go to parties where there is no parent present. This message has been consistent ever since they began asking to go to friends’ houses even just to hang out or sleep over as pre-teens. I also have called parents whose home my son is at to “check in” that the parent will be there. Even though my kids may think I am “over protective” they at least know where I am coming from. I have always told them that it is not because I do not trust them, it is because as a parent it is my job to make sure they are safe. Because this has been my rule for years, they expect this from me and know what my rules are. There have been many times that unsupervised parties with alcohol have taken place in our community, however, my kids never even asked to go because they knew what my answer was going to be. I hope one day they will look back and thank me! (I think they will- especially when they become parents themselves!)
We ask our kids where they are going and who they are with, and we check with those kids parents to see if they are involved and to determine if the plans are as described. We teach our kids how important it is to be honest, and we teach them to be accountable.
Yes, I did check up on the parties that my children went to, that is the ones that I knew about. My children are grown now and they have opened up and told me things that would have made my hair stand on end had I known about everything they chose to do. I did all the things that any good parent should do, but what I didn’t realize is that all parents were not like me. One son told me that at a party that I had checked on before I alowed my son to go to, the parents provided the marijuana, and alcohol and were there participating with the kids. We cannot trust that all parents share the same values that we have. If I had known then what I know now, none of my children would have been alowed to go to any parties unless they were at our home. My husband and I provided the home that our children could invite their friends over to and play pool, video games, music and have fun, and we as parents made our presence known when friends were over. Our children had friends over all the time and their friends liked us. As long as our children were with their friends at our house, things went well, but when they spent time at their friends houses, that is when drugs and drinking happened. Moral to the story… Make your home the place that your children and their friends want to be at.
WE moved to a new community a few years ago, and one of the biggest challenges has been the issue of parties and sleepovers. I never allow my children to visit another families’ home or attend a party without first talking with the chaperoning parent. I also make it a point to try to solicit information about the family through the friends I have made who have lived in the community for a long time.
I have learned that if your gut says there is more to the invitation than what it seems, you are probably right.
Even the best investigative parents make mistakes, however. People with different values may not come across badly at first meeting. And, unfortunately, older siblings, cousins, other party attendees and even parents do unexpected things from time to time. Therefore, I have established a safe phrase with each of my children and have communicated ways that they can eject themselves from an uncomfortable situation.
Talking about the various things that can happen ranging from being offered drugs or alcohol to unwanted advances before they happen gives you an opportunity to arm your children with the tools they need to be safe. Being prepared is always the best choice.
And it is certainly okay to say no when you don’t feel comfortable with an invitation. My kids know the routine, and if they can’t put me in touch with someone who will adequately answer my questions, they will not have permission to attend a party or other social activity.
We also encourage our children to “party” at home. When the group of youth is at our home, I know what my children are up to. It may get a little crazy from time to time, but it’s worth the effort, and it’s a lot of fun!
We (the parent group)worked and it took alot of footwork at first but we went through the PTA/PTO at the high school and had the parents sign little contracts, very basic about honoring safety, not allowing drugs or alcohol at their homes. Not allowing parties at their home unless they were there. Listing their phone numbers, etc. If there was a party at so and so’s house then we had all the info and could call and ask or go to the door and make sure. If they weren’t on the list then the answer was no. Initially it put surprise and the fear of a higher power into some kids but eventually they welcomed it because the parents met them halfway.
I talked honestly about expecting them not to be the kid drinking or using at the party, but because both of my kids had huge groups of friends knew that they would end up at a party probably more than once so to tell them not to be there was fairly unrealistic. I constantly talked about remembering common sense so if it was getting to be too many people, too many cars, etc it would draw attention and therefore the police. Also told them I absolutely did not want them at homes where parents openly supplied because saying no to peers is one thing, saying no to adults who then make stupid ridiculing comments about saying no is quite another. And if they got a citation for use as a minor in a public home I would have contacted the parent to see if they were aware of the party, what their response to it was, and would have made my kids do community service to work it off- not just pay the fine and let it go.
My 2 daughters know that they are not allowed to attend parties where there are no parents present. Since we live in a small town, we know the families of their peers. Some of those families do not follow our values and so my daughters cannot go to those homes.
One time my oldest daughter (age 17 at the time) was told that the party was at an “approved family” home and given a ride by a friend. However, she was then driven to another nearby town where there was a party being held without adult supervision. Within 10 minutes of her arrival, the local police arrrived in response to complaints. My daughter had not consumed any alcohol, as evidenced by a portable breath test implementation. She called me and told me what had happened. Since I am a police officer and the local D. A.R.E. Instructor, the police officers also called me and corroborated her story.
I trusted her to do the right thing and she did. My wife and I not only teach that one should not abuse drugs, we follow that credo personally. I have honestly answered any of their questions about my prior experience with cigarettes and drugs (extremely limited). There is no doubt in our daughters’ minds about our attitude and they have learned it well.
When I found out that alcohol was being served or that there was no chaperone, I told my son. We then discussed it and were able to agree that going to the party would be “stupid” because people would act crazy, get drunk, get into fights, get involved in sex that was coerced, and so on. He didn’t go.
I wish now that I had reported these parties to the police. It is illegal to serve kids under age 21, and to allow an uchaperoned party is to almost guarantee underage drinking, sex, fights, etc.
I didn’t allow my daughters to attend parties. They didn’t socialize with the popular crowd of kids, and had no desire to. I always made sure that on the weekends, I had fun things planned for us to do. We’d drive to the lake, or the beach, or just go on a hike. Sometimes we’d go shopping all day and then to a movie. As long as they weren’t bored, they were fine spending time with me. It was all about keeping them busy. Some weekends were more expensive than others, particularly the shopping ones, but some weekends we’d just do crafts, or rent movies and buy pizza. It didn’t matter to them what we did, just that we stayed busy. It worked like a charm and we became very very close as a family.
I always check and we have a lot of kids at our house! I know its a lot of work, but it is so worth it to create a safe space for the kids to hang. And fun, we re constantly creating fun things for them to do as a group so they don’t get BORED.. Boredom is where all trouble starts.
Instead we get them to choose what they want to do and how they are going to help pay for it and away they go! They even got a local DJ to come to our garage party last year. We rocked the neighborhood! But THEY got to create it! (And there were no drugs or alcohol at the party!) WE even handled a drunk parent who came to pick up a kid!
You’ve got to know where your kids are and who they re with if you want a chance for them to make it!
Well, I think can do it but not overbearing. For me, one of the major reasons of a troubled teen is that their parents are very protective. We will feel like you are blocking our freedom to choose. But of course, I definitely agree that parents should still make the first efforts to guide us, protect us and warn us from danger.
Please don’t even bother going out and partying when you’re a teen, because it’s a waste of time. Seeing your friends destroy themselves and having to baby-sit them during what seemed liked endless nights sucks. I feel like shit right now because of it. I drank a bit too, but I really regret it now.
I’m curious, I have been a mother for 21 years, my youngest is 1 1/2 months from 18. I have been a strict parent and both of my kids have graduated with honors and are going to college. I have gave them the tools to make the right decision. My 21 year old son has still not drank and has no desire to, my daughter has been tested little because I have been a parent that checks on the homes my children go to for parties and get-togethers. Here is my question “Can you be too strict and overbearing?” I want my children to be able to make good decisions on there own. Let me know what you think.
The main problem for every parent now a days is to keep away their teens from drugs or alcohol. parent attitude towards troubled teens is an important task because it depends upon parents that whether they are concentrating on their tens or not.
http://www.ala4christ.com/
Boys and the girls learn together in the co-ed schools. It helps the child to grow and get motivated in academics and social lives. Co-ed schools help the teens in character development as well as their physical and mental development.
http://www.strugglingteen.net
We always monitor kids’ get togethers or parties. A responsible parent must always be present. We also assure their friends’ parents that they can also rest assured that we will properly monitor their kids’ activities when in our presence.
Early on, I talked to parents who assured me they were chaperoning their children’s parties. When I found out, on more than one occasion, that a parent’s word could not necessarily be relied on, I put the owe-ness on our children. Freshman/sophomore years: no staying at homes without parental supervision.
Junior year: Always let me know where they are/where they’re going. Call or text to tell me whether parents are home when they get there. If no parents, they can only stay 45 minutes max, less if the group numbers more than 20, and they need to leave immediately if the party gets loud or if the energy level starts getting high.
Seems silly, i know. However, our intent was to help our kids learn to evaluate situations. Our oldest daughter rarely went to the parties because she often made poor choices so we often said no in advance. Our second daughter is an athlete, self-assured, and has a wide variety of friends. There is a lot of alcohol and pot use at her high school. She and I talked a lot about how she could navigate through it all without using herself. For her, that worked out really well, though the summer between sophomore and junior year was rocky and we navigated the territory. She was relatively open and felt trusted. Her honesty reassured me. This is not to say she was perfect — she wasn’t — but she grew up and stayed grounded.
Oh, and no sleepovers — none — for our daughters once they were in high school.